Favourite Store On The Citadel
by JChandley
Summary: A collection of silly one-shots featuring Shepard and his ever lovable crew. Cue a nervous Shepard,a famous Tali, an underrepresented Joker and of course, the enigmatic Jack.
1. Chapter 1

_**Number One: Favorite store **_

'Shepard, should you really be doing this?' Tali said nervously.

'Tali, I've got this under control, okay?' Shepard wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead with his right hand. He eyed the random person and tried to smile.

'Shepard, you…' He held up a hand to silence his companion.

'Tali, this is important to me…'

'You might be going a little too far.' Shepard closed his eyes, the noise of the citadel washing around him. The reapers, gaining loyalty, all paled in comparison to this task. Goddamnit, he was going to get a discount in this store if it killed him. As people walked past the other stores in the citadel, he could hear his voice ringing out.

_I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favourite store in the citadel._

_I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favourite store in the citadel._

_I'M COMMANDER SHEPARD AND THIS IS MY FAVOURITE STORE IN THE CITADEL!_

It was simple. He looked up at the human behind the bar. He gave a little smile and opened his mouth. Unfortunately, he forgot to say anything.

'Shepard, close your mouth.' Tali whispered. Shepard instead made a noise which could utterly not be described here, however hard I try. Eventually, after alternating his pitch, he managed to speak to the woman.

'CanIhaveadiscountplease?' he muttered. Why was he nervous now? He'd done perfectly all right all the other 48 times. Maybe it was because the woman behind the bar was smokin'. Ahem.

'Excuse me?' The red-headed beauty frowned. Shepard swallowed. Tali spoke as if she were rolling her eyes. If she had them.

'Oh, brother…'

'A dispount please?'

'Excuse me?

'A disfount please?'

'I'm sorry?'

'A…Dis…count please?' Shepard breathed out heavily. There, he'd said it. An Elcor joined the queue.

'Annoyed voice. Hurry up.'

Shepard looked up. The woman crossed her arms.

'Why should I give you a discount?'

'Because I'll give you a brilliantly original soundbite.' The woman raised her eyebrows.

'Oh, really?' she asked.

'Oh, yeah. No more favourite store, hahahahahahahahaha….' Shepard continued for a minute or so, thinking of things to say. Everyone involved felt terribly uncomfortable.

'What if I don't want a soundbite of you?' She said.

'…Hahahahahaha…what?' Shepard came down from the counter. She repeated her sentiment.

'But…everyone wants a soundbite of me!' Shepard whispered as if it were a secret.

'Nuh-uh. Not me.'

Shepard pouted.

'Doesn't work on me.'

He tried to do his best puppy-dog eyes.

'Noope.'

'WHAT DO YOU WANT, WITCH?' Shepard cried.

'I want a soundbite of TALI'ZORAH NAT RAYYA!' The woman shrieked like a schoolgirl. 'I saw you on Tv!' she squealed.

'It's Tali'Zorah vas Normandy now.' Tali said sheepishly. The two women engaged in conversation like a pair of old friends. Why didn't the woman want Shepard?

_Everyone wants me…If I had a shop, I'd do a soundbite for myself and it would be the best damn soundbite ever created. And I'd have hamsters and fish and…hamsters. I'd make a great pet shop owner._ Shepard thought moodily.

Shepard and Tali left the shop, the former sulking and the latter in a good mood.

'What a nice woman.' Tali said.

'Prefer my soundbite.' Shepard said moodily.

'Your soundbite is very good…'

'Oh, Tali, I love…!

'But mine is better! Oh yeah, you know it!'

'Oh come on, You only have one! How many do I have…'

As they walked away from the shop, the motion detector sensed them both walking past, and sent a signal to the computer to play the soundbite:

'I'm Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, and this is my favourite store on the Citadel.'


	2. Jokers Big Score Part 1

This was it. For all the stars and planets and battles and wars and reapers, space was actually pretty boring. Sure, piloting the Normandy SR-2 through the Omega 4 relay and the debris field that followed was fun, and talking to EDI was okay, but boy, it got old fast. Jeff "Joker" Moreau was bored, and he didn't care who knew.

'Sheeepaaaaaaarrrdddd!' he called, his jenga tower collapsed and his ludo pieces broken. Don't even get me started on what he did to the Citadel-Super-Special-Edition Monopoly Board- now with 17 different types of community chest. Joker had rigged it to play with real credits, but he ended up losing everything to Tali.

Shepard turned around the corner to the room where Joker was sitting, obviously annoyed.

'What?' Shepard said. 'What could possibly be wrong this time?'

'Oh, it doesn't matter.'

'You called me here, you must need me for something.'

'I'm not telling you anything with that attitude. I'm the best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet, and don't you forget it!'

'We're not…' Shepard gave up, rubbing his eyes. 'What do you want Joker? If you're bored, just come and join me and the crew. It's a real pooty party out there.'

'Don't ever say that again, Shepard.'

Shepard shifted his feet and coughed several times.

'You know what it's okay, you just…I'M BORED! YOU'RE ALL TOO LOW FOR MY SOPHISTICATED FLYING SKILLS!'

'Pffft.' Shepard replied politely. He took one look at the puppy-dog eyes of the pilot and immediately thawed.

'D'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw…Fine, I'll sit with you. Go on then, tell me why you're called Joker.'

Joker laughed nervously. 'What you think I'm some insane practical joker who totally loves Batman and puts on white face makeup in his spare time, haha, yeah, Shepard, nice guess.' Shepard regarded Joker coolly. Joker put down his trivial pursuit card and made a dash to get away from Shepard.

'You wanna play Twister?' Shepard shouted.

'Oh, yeah, nice shot, Shepard, I wish you'd hit the easy targets at the shooting range!'

'Ouch.'

None of the crew saw Joker for the next few days and barely noticed it at all. He always felt he was underrepresented. Shepard got all the glory, but if it weren't for Joker, he'd still be flailing around on the Citadel wanting someone to give him a ride.

Jack was in her room applying tattoo balm to her many pieces of art. Her latest endeavor was a cactus on her leg, as she was quite fond of the cover of 'Cactus' by David Bowie on his 2002 album Heathen. Not the 2157 CE reboot, though. Not at all. She was just admiring it in the mirror when a man came up behind her. He had a white face, red lipstick applied haphazardly, green hair, and a purple suit with a wilted flower pined to the breast. When she saw him, she knew immediately it was Joker, dressed as the Joker. She sighed, turning around.

Joker did a rather poor impression of a Joker laugh, coughed a few times, said sorry, then tried again. This time he just sneezed.

'Get out of my room before I break your legs with my feather duster.

'OH YEAH GO FOR THE EASY TARGETS WHY DON'T YOU I'M A BETTER PILOT THAN YOU!' The Joker Joker shouted, running out of the room with his head in his hands.

The next time anyone saw him was when Shepard opened the fridge door. To his surprise, he saw Joker curled up inside, turned blue by the cold. He fired a party popper into Shepards face. Shepard shook his head and closed the door, much to the chagrin of Joker. These types of joke went on for several days before the crew was forced to hold an intervention. It was all terribly sad for everyone involved and it would be best if I didn't describe it here, more because it involved tears, custard, a marathon of Quantum Leap and The Gruffalo.

Joker was moping in his room the day after when Zaeed came into his room.

'Hey, Joker.' He said.

'Hello, man who doesn't speak too much.'

'Er.'

'Ahem.'

'Anyway, Joker, listen. I've got an idea. An idea for the best goddamn prank ever played this side of that time you convinced Thane to eat Christmas pudding.'

'I didn't do that, he actually just quite likes it.

'It was disgusting.'

Joker agreed.

'Anyway, you up for it?' Joker thought for 0.75319 seconds before agreeing.

'Right!' Zaeed said. 'Listen to this: psssspssppsspspsstppssst.'

'You need to actually say the words.'

'Yeah. I knew that.' Zaeed said sheepishly.

Joker widened his eyes. It was brilliant. The ultimate prank. He laughed maniacally for ten minutes, until his voice was sore. The ultimate prank.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


End file.
